The Chronicles of Life

 This may sound simple to others but pulling away from certain things feels good. I'm realizing that I am just as capable without my family hovering over me, and questioning all my decisions. I did feel compelled to tell them that I was going to do something different, and even though, she voiced her 'concerns' ( even though I believe that's disguised as something else, based on patterns) , I definitely followed through on what I said I was going to do. I plan to continue to show them that I am going to be totally independent from them.

 Excuse me for my profanity, but you either get the passion behind the intensity, or not. How the hell can you guys not see a problem, and how it's bleeding onto me?? As much I tried to continuously tell myself that I was wrong for feeling certain ways, I am definitely learning why I shouldn't continue to let anyone tell me how I should feel. Or continue to judge myself because of the projections always placed on me.  I'm no longer apologizing for who I am, or how I feel. I am currently growing more and more apart from y'all. I did not create my trauma, and honestly what I want is true accountability. I may not ever get it or feel it. That sucks, especially when it's family, but I can't keep my eyes closed to what I feel or see.

 I'm tired of feeling obligated to tell my family every step I take. There's no reason why I should still feel controlled by them, mentally and emotionally. It's definitely irritating 

 Today was interesting. Yes, I went off on my mom. I don't want to judge myself too much because my environment contributed to my explosion. It kind of was bound to happen sooner than later. I don't know what normal is, but I know that I don't need to feel this way about my family. It's heartbreaking to feel like I can't get no understanding from people who mean so much. I hope people truly analyzed what I was saying, but if not, then it won't be surprising. I've been let down countless times, but it hurts deeply when it's by your family. And I don't see the accountability. And just for the record, I'm not negating any positive things they have done. I am thankful, but I'm not trying to hold back anymore. It's not rocket science what I express, but you would think it was. And just remember that I don't forget. Forgiveness and forgetting are two different things and regardless it's my journey. No one can tell me how to heal. 

 Do y'all not realize that I am done. I don't need y'all's advice. The more I have needed y'all, is the more control and power that I give y'all over my life. I don't like how y'all constantly accuse me of 'thinking I know everything ' and talk 'at me instead of talking with me. Honestly, I don't know how y'all can't see the issues. I'm tired of sweeping things under the rug for y'all sake. It just leaves me feeling miserable in the end. I'm tired of feeling shut down when I try to communicate my feelings. I can't continue to allow my mental health to suffer in order to try to impress anyone. I can love y'all from a distance. I don't want to give y'all my power any longer. As much as I have tried to talk over the years, I don't think we have made much progress. No one wants to understand or truly listen to me. It feels like a battle with my own family, and that feeling has not changed. 

 I know that I don't want to work for someone all my life. I want to have my own business, preferably babysitting kids, or an in home daycare. I have always attempted to market myself regarding babysitting. It hasn't worked out yet, but I'm definitely not going to give up on that goal. I have several other interests and I want to have the confidence I need to pursue them. There are definitely other ways to be successful. I also am currently trying to move out and gain more independence, emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. Money is an issue when it comes to that, but where there's a will, there's a way, and I'm a determined individual, no matter the circumstances. 

So full of it ... Contradictions... Lies... Manipulation... Control... It's so funny how you grow up thinking the world of these people, and one day you realize how toxic it really is. How in the world are you judging me and my friends, and what we do with our lives,when you don't even have it all together yourself. Why are y'all not helping me grow, or haven't yet in all these years, but focused on everything else under the sun. Why are y'all so damn judgmental?? Why do I have to always be in the middle of y'all bs. I'm tired of feeling stagnant being around y'all, and feeling like I have to tell y'all my every move. I'm clear on what I feel, and I don't care if you guys understand or not. I'm done trying to explain myself and it not meaning anything. It goes in one ear and out the other. You guys can think what you want at this point. I use to want to fix communication and the issues in our relationship... But talking to y'all doesn...