The Chronicles of Life

 Yes, I have a lot of resentment. It's funny how you drive someone to all these feelings, and they continue to conform to you, until they don't. I'm not saying what you all want me to say anymore, or expressing myself how you all would like. I'm not dumb or blind to the manipulation that is being pulled. I'm not lying on y'all, I'm simply calling a spade a spade, and if denial is working for you guys then who am I to try and stop your facades. Hopefully one day you all will look over life and see that y'all steered me wrong, but I'll probably be long gone, and I hope everything was worth it.  I know who I am and why I react the way I do. So y'all can continue to call me disrespectful, ungrateful, 'too sensitive', whatever the hell y'all want to make y'all feel better and sleep good at night, I guess. It just sucks knowing that things have come to this. 

 As much as I want my family to back off with certain things, it is different not having their input on everything, or them being so controlling and overly occupying themselves with my life. But I more than realize that is the first step in ending the cycle. Also, me feeling this way is what they want me to feel, so I can apologize for ever questioning them and telling them to get off my back. So, I definitely have to force myself to stop giving them permission to control my thoughts and feelings. When I say, I want and need total independence from them in order to thrive, I'm not just talking about physically moving, I need mental and emotional freedom too. Certain things I express, are deeper than how others even care to receive.

I want to move out NOW! of course to others it's not that bad or I'm just making a problem out of nothing. Both are not accurate. Stop telling me how to feel. Period. If you can't or don't want to see how your actions affect me, no amount of talking is going to help. Yes, of course I contribute to the idea that I need them constantly intruding in my life. I have to leave, not only for you this reason, but I'm tired of feeling like I have no life without y'all. Call it drama, say whatever the hell you want. I don't care anymore, or at least I don't want to. 

 I'm hurt, I'm angry, enough is enough! I don't want to be resentful or bitter because that is not me, but I am definitely deeply affected by certain actions. The sly comments, the biased opinions, etc. I'm slowly but surely distancing myself from my family. Sure it's easy to say, " let it go in one ear, and out the other", but that honestly means that I don't care. The fact that they affect me very much, shows how much I care. And the fact that I am still trying to fix what's broken, shows that I care. Maybe it's not meant to be fixed. But I know the way things are set up, something needs to give, or change asap. Firstly, I'm tired of being submissive to things and people that no longer make me happy. 

 I may sound like a broken record... But I... I have to keep reminding myself that I am capable of bigger and better things and it is going to happen... No matter who believes in me or helps me along the way. One day, pretty soon, I'm not going to conform to anyone, or continuously explain myself. I will Not feel guilty for my choices or decisions, just because you don't agree with them. I will be completely independent from certain individuals and won't feel guilty for having my own thoughts and feelings. I really don't see how people can't see the continued damage that they do, even by the ignorant and nonchalantly 

No shit. It is life , but I be damned if I keep on settling just because I listen to other people. I have to tell myself to just be quiet and stop sharing my feelings and frustrations with certain people because they always have a way of diminishing them and making me feel invalidated. I don't ever go around just creating problems, as I'm accused of, and Do you actually think that feels like support when you say that?? Maybe in your warped mind it does, but to me it does not. I can't continue to play 21 questions with y'all and feel obligated to y'all. I don't understand why people are so quick to judge, yet don't want to be judged. How does that make sense?!

 I can't wait to I make a change... I definitely have to and I am. Period. Firstly, I have to change my living arrangements. I need to break away, mainly for my sanity. I am too obligated to certain people and things. I'm still unpacking things with my counselor but I hate how I feel that I need approval about everything. I have to broaden my horizons with my job. This was only supposed to be a stepping stone regardless of all the troubles that I have had at work. And I NEED to stop believing that I absolutely need people to help me make decisions, and realize that I am a strong woman who is very capable. It's absolutely crucial that I break the cycle and stop reinforcing the idea that I am weak or incapable. It's definitely challenging to get away from things, but it must be done. And soon too. 

 I definitely get that everyone has different personalities and mentalities, but I agree that if people had more compassion and less judgment, then maybe I would feel different about certain situations, and feel heard and truly valued. At some point, it seems to me as if you have no interest in understanding, because you want my thoughts to continue to be manipulated. 

I went to my counselor. I basically have been going on and off since I was on 7th grade. We have been working on the issues I have with my family. Simply put, we have a codependent relationship with each other. This definitely has become toxic and has left me feeling stuck. As much as I want full independence from them, it's scary for me to set boundaries and believe that I can be successful. I definitely do was to be successful and break away from their grasp. I also want to stop invalidating myself, specifically my feelings, just like everyone else.

 I'm going to leave my job in the near future. I know that is the positive thing for me to do. The stress has definitely increased with this job. I need to take care of my physical and mental health, and this job is not necessarily helping with that at the moment. I definitely can be successful in more ways than one. I just have to take a leap of faith with my goals and not let anything or anyone get in the way.