The Chronicles of Life

I am going through a lot with my family and things are becoming clearer with their true intentions. I realize that I have two choices, and both can possibly feel uncomfortable. I definitely can't keep giving into them and be miserable. Standing up to them, which I am doing in some areas, can temporarily make me feel guilt and discomfort from their petty words, actions, and negative judgments. I hate that they refuse to acknowledge my point of view and loosen the reins on my life. I often struggle to understand if they care so much why don't my needs matter.

I can't anymore. Nobody even cares as much as I thought. People just constantly use me for their wants, and patronize me with their words. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm sad. As many trust issues as I have, I definitely have been overly trusting and vulnerable with venting to people. I am trying to be more aware of what I reveal, who I reveal it to, and how much I reveal it to. My whole life I have been programmed to react and respond the way others see fit. It's crucial that I now stand up for myself and undo all of this toxicity I'm going through currently.

I'm trying to keep my head above water; I am hanging on by a thread. Despite the other challenges life gives me, I am dealing with my toxic and manipulative family. I'm beyond tired of their contradictions and nonchalant words and actions. They are so controlling and overbearing, and it is pushing me away. The deflection and the lack of accountability they display, pisses me off. I definitely feel at this point that they are well aware of what they are doing, so why and how did they not think I was going to catch on to their shady ways eventually?? Now they're mad because I'm exposing and defending myself against all the toxicity they're throwing my way. They want me to be stagnant, just like all of them, and continue to be miserable. They just want me to believe that they truly want want the best for me, but their actions say otherwise. I'm so prone to negative judgments that even though they make me feel sad and misunderstood, their judgement also serves as a ...

 Yes, I have a lot of resentment. It's funny how you drive someone to all these feelings, and they continue to conform to you, until they don't. I'm not saying what you all want me to say anymore, or expressing myself how you all would like. I'm not dumb or blind to the manipulation that is being pulled. I'm not lying on y'all, I'm simply calling a spade a spade, and if denial is working for you guys then who am I to try and stop your facades. Hopefully one day you all will look over life and see that y'all steered me wrong, but I'll probably be long gone, and I hope everything was worth it.  I know who I am and why I react the way I do. So y'all can continue to call me disrespectful, ungrateful, 'too sensitive', whatever the hell y'all want to make y'all feel better and sleep good at night, I guess. It just sucks knowing that things have come to this. 

 As much as I want my family to back off with certain things, it is different not having their input on everything, or them being so controlling and overly occupying themselves with my life. But I more than realize that is the first step in ending the cycle. Also, me feeling this way is what they want me to feel, so I can apologize for ever questioning them and telling them to get off my back. So, I definitely have to force myself to stop giving them permission to control my thoughts and feelings. When I say, I want and need total independence from them in order to thrive, I'm not just talking about physically moving, I need mental and emotional freedom too. Certain things I express, are deeper than how others even care to receive.

I want to move out NOW! of course to others it's not that bad or I'm just making a problem out of nothing. Both are not accurate. Stop telling me how to feel. Period. If you can't or don't want to see how your actions affect me, no amount of talking is going to help. Yes, of course I contribute to the idea that I need them constantly intruding in my life. I have to leave, not only for you this reason, but I'm tired of feeling like I have no life without y'all. Call it drama, say whatever the hell you want. I don't care anymore, or at least I don't want to.